Dear Diary…
Looking back through my glittery journal, through the entries and the words I used, I can hear the shift. The moment when I stopped telling myself, or ‘trying to be positive’ and truly felt what I was saying. This moment for me took months/years even. There are things we can tell ourself, but then feeling it, is a different story. The next phase is belief, truly believing in those feelings and thoughts that you tell yourself. That feeling of freedom when it aligns, is something you have to experience to believe, the heaviness is gone and their light, their legacy as bright as ever.
Here are snippets from my glittery journal, which a beautiful friend bought to me at the Hospital, before I had given birth to our Hudson. Writing, is always something I loved to do, but it was hard to start, hard because as much as I knew it would be beneficial something held me back. I wanted to punish myself for losing our Hudson, I couldn’t release that, I couldn’t feel better about it, or I didn’t want to. So Kristen, thank you for adding the touch of sparkle in my life, a time in my life I needed it so much. Thank you xx
Date: 7th December 2014
I am so sorry Hudson; I cannot stop thinking that I did something wrong or should have gone in sooner. I keep retracing the last week, our last week with you inside and when you were okay. Please know I would never do anything to hurt you. My greatest wish was for you to grow healthy and strong. You were my everything and we were going to be the best parents. We dreamt of a long and happy life together. I can’t stop thinking about you, every minute of every day, I hope you are here with me. My journey so far has taught me that there are some really tough moments, full of heartache and pain and I have had to find the strength to love, to find the strength and courage within, to be the best version of myself- not to judge others for they too have a journey. There is no need to hold onto anger, or to let other opinions or attitudes get in the way of what you believe but to always listen and understand the struggles. Everybody has struggles and they may show strength from different pain or heartache and that is what makes us so unique as humans. Be unique, be courageous and be you. I know that in this moment I am weak and vulnerable, but I am still in so much shock- where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Hudson, I am so sorry, it’s been eating me up inside, please know that it was so hard for me to sign those papers to do an autopsy. I want to know how I could have prevented this. Such a selfish move and I am so sorry but if we could find something then it meant we could grow as a family, or maybe it could help other families that endure this heartache and pain. I am so sorry for putting my views on your life when you had no say- so again Huddy I am sorry- I have cried many times about this but I hope one day we can live strong together and you understand why I did it. I will never stop loving you. You are my perfect baby boy, and you will forever be cherished in my life.
Date 15th December 2014
I wish I could make sense of what has happened- it is hard for me to believe everything happens for a reason because it just doesn’t feel right. What is the reason behind you not being here? It is selfish of me to say how can you be taken away from us, why? What have Chris and I ever done so wrong? Why? And I know it’s not right for me to think that. I have always had a belief or grown up with the perspective that everything in life has meaning and a reason and that there is a lesson in everything. In this moment I feel stripped of raising you, our beautiful baby boy, all the moments we would have shared. The many tears, love, joy, and laughter, gone. But as I sit here, some part of me, is conflicted, as I tell myself, I must choose to look at this differently. Hudson, I know you are not here with us, you are now forever protected from the heartache and pain of life, and you only felt so much love in your lifetime. Saying that still just doesn’t make it any easier, as I try to find some light within so much darkness. Trying to tell myself a different version of the story to break free from such much pain and sorrow. Hudson, reflecting on our time together, I am so blessed to have carried you. You have brought Chris and I so much closer. You gave me so much more meaning to my, our life. You refocused me to where it is I want to be and who I want to be. You allowed me to share a love that I never thought was possible. You helped me be comfortable alone and love me for who I am. You made me realise further the importance of family and because of you I can further improve and connect in a deeper way with my family, my sisters.
Date 17th December 2014
Hudson I wouldn’t have done anything to hurt you and I am still so sorry- I should have gone earlier, I should have gone to the hospital earlier. I am sorry. Stubborn Tia never thinking anything would be wrong and that you would be okay, and I failed you. I am sorry, please know that I just loved you so much. I was so fascinated and so excited every time you moved inside me. I never wanted to miss a moment. I feel so lost at the moment. I know I worked too much, I didn’t slow down, and I just feel like I took Chris’s dreams of you, our family, away from him. He loved you so much, he was so excited and over the moon and because I didn’t see someone sooner, I ruined his chance to be the best dad to you. I can’t help but think I failed you, I was meant to keep you safe, I was meant to grow you healthy and strong, and I failed you. It was so incredible to hold you. When you were placed on my chest it was so beautiful and I will forever cherish that. I remember wishing I had a mirror to see you when daddy did, but it was so beautiful holding you skin to skin. In the room full of silence, this beautiful moment being created, and in that same moment full of emptiness. I felt empty. Looking over at dad and he still had this proud look on his face. I remember being in theatre and just lying there with empty thoughts, but I just wanted to get back to your bedside. I pulled the bassinet close; no words can describe how much you mean to me. I know amongst thousands of tears that you know I loved you. I know that you know daddy also loves you and I hope you will forever be by my side. I hope that one day I can hold you again, I hope that you never forget how much both of us love you. You will forever be secretly my little peanut, because even when you became our little Huddy, I would still call you our little peanut. My beautiful boy Hudson, I love you.
Date: 24th December 2014
Well, it’s Christmas day tomorrow and I thought I was okay- turns out it’s a little sucky! What I would do to have you here with me. I just want to go out and buy you a little Christmas outfit, spoil you rotten, kiss you non-stop and just hold you so close. It’s so confusing because I try remain positive- I am so grateful that this year happened but it’s so shit and unfair because you’re not here with us. I imagined our first Christmas even though you wouldn’t understand or have any idea what was going on, I just imagined so much love and cuddles, kisses, you wake up to Santa been and its’ just not the same without you. Even if you were kept safe inside me, we would have celebrated it. I know you would have been dancing like crazy inside me, we would have put a big red bow around my beautiful growing belly. You were the best surprise I’ve ever had, and you will forever be the most precious gift in my life. You are my shining star; my world and I love you to the end of the moon and back. Please be safe. I hope Grandma and Jason are there with you, and I know you will be spoilt by them. I feel selfish to say I hope you’re with me in spirit forever, but I hope we continue to make many more memories. I love you my beautiful baby boy.
Date: 15th January 2015
It’s a week to go now until we finally have some answers, if any at all and everyday doesn’t get any better but I force myself to get out, try being stronger, braver and attempt to see the brighter things in life. I sobbed myself to sleep last night trying to hide my jumping body from your dad because although I know he is there for me and there to support me 100% I know today wasn’t a good day for him. Crappy day at work then has to come home to a now PMSing, grieving wife. But he held me tight and whispered in my ear, ‘harden up.’ I know that doesn’t sound heartfelt whatsoever but throughout our years together I’ve always told him to push me to that next level. After losing Grandma and my brother Jason, I saw some dark days and Chris by my side supporting me, we always joked that I just needed to harden up. So last night, I held him closer, and the tears rolled down as I slowly grinned. I did just need to harden up and be stronger, but I miss you so much. I miss the crazy movements you made as I laid down at night. It was probably a big hooray- mummy finally relaxed, but I loved every minute. I don’t really enjoy bedtime because lately I’ve had a few good night’s sleep-why when I should be up feeding or waking up throughout the night, if not to cries but just to make sure you are okay. I always slept on my stomach, as much as I knew it was bad for me before you came along, but from the day I knew I was pregnant I tried sleeping on my back. I remember the first night sleep where I slept on my stomach- it felt so great but remember waking up so upset, here I was back to sleeping on my stomach without you. There were two things I said I couldn’t wait for when I was pregnant and that was to run and jump on my belly and go for a run. Having done both of those things now, there is nothing more in this world I want more than you to be here with me, now, tomorrow, and forever. I could look back at our photos of you every second of everyday. You are my everything Hudson and I love you so much.
Date: 19th January 2014
I sent an email today to my course coordinator as I saw that there is current research at UQ for the Stillbirth Foundation. They are researching, ‘Information and Communication about Autopsy following Stillbirth, Meeting the Needs of Parents.’
I will never forget minutes after signing the agreement to an autopsy. The doctor and midwife left, and, in an instant, I just broke down sobbing. How could I agree on such invasive procedure for my beautiful baby boy? I questioned myself for imposing my beliefs onto our little boy who didn’t have a say on his life. Do I agree for them to use his body for research, not only just to help us find some answers, but I have also now accepted or agreed to cut open my baby boy? I said sorry to Hudson repeatedly. I am sorry but I hope you can forgive me for further inflicting you with pain but what if we can help others, what if we could help us as a family grow.
To this day I am sorry, but I do hope that you can understand that I needed to further understand this. How can this not only happen to me but the 4 parents each day that have stillbirths. What are we doing so wrong? When is this going to stop? What if we could stop others from this heartache? Even the smallest step in the right direction would help-right? Where is the awareness? I know they talk about recording baby’s movements, but you have this belief that everything will be fine always. But then I am torn, this experience of pregnancy needs to be a positive experience, we talk about prevention for cancer or other illnesses, where is the prevention for stillbirths? Where is the early awareness? Where is the comfort in knowing we are closer to understanding the causes or even reducing the numbers of stillbirths? But the reality is, its still a taboo topic, as a mother, I feel like I have failed- all I ever wanted was to grow a strong healthy baby and I failed, my body failed, and I will never get that back. I took away the excitement of parenthood and I feel guilty that I had so much more of Huddy than his dad ever will.
I question was it the hours I was working? Was it the stress I put myself through? Was it the Elevit vitamins I forgot to take on a frequent basis? Was it the McFlurry I ate that one time, when I knew I shouldn’t have or the bath I had once a month? Was it the fast food I would eat, working at McDonalds- because after all it had to be something I did, right?
Date: date not recorded
Chris came hone really shitty today- the past few days to be honest, but tonight I couldn’t deal with him being moppy and niggling at me because I haven’t been back to work yet. So, we had silence for up to an hour when he came and sat on the couch. I tried to bite my lip but I’ve never been really good at holding in what I want to say. I gave it out to him nicely, “you can’t come home all moppy and shitty- if work is stressing you out then quit, take more time off- we will make it work, and I can go back to work. I had been hoping for the meeting on the 27th helps ease my mind and sends me in the right direction. As tears well up in his eyes and he fights back letting the tears roll, he looks up to Huddy’s picture on the TV unit. In that moment, I feel so much relief, I am so pleased he feels comfortable in letting me see this because even though I know we are in this together at times you feel so alone. ‘It isn’t easy Chris, but I know we love him and will continue to love him forever and ever.’
Throughout the days I try to focus on positive things, but I always feel lost, trying to analyse why this has happened to us in our life and I know that I personally feel so lost. Yes I’m trying to slowly get out and about but I don’t know what to do about work, and I never really thought that Chris would be lost to. I know he is without his little boy as well, and yes he had a different relationship with Huddy, but he too is lost. We have lost our little boy, our hopes and dreams of being a family. We are lucky to have each other, most definitely can frustrate one another at times but I always know, no matter what, he is there and vice versa.
We miss our little Huddy so much; we will forever carry you in our heart.
Date: date not recorded
Why can’t life be simple, even just knowing what I’m meant to do for work or who I am meant to be. Not only am I trying to process the fact that I am without my baby, I am so confused at now who I am. Where I want to go in life and so confused at making the right choice? I want to have my little babies and be the best mum I can be but where is me in all of that? I use to think I was driven to achieve and be a high achiever. I wish I could be someone who influences others, helps and motivates people, but I love business and analysing the strengths and weaknesses of business operations and structure. But who am I? Where am I? I am organised, or am I? I like structure- or do I? What is my beliefs, now that I don’t even know. Where is Tia? Who am I? My brain just doesn’t stop. What am I and how do I get back there?
Date: date not recorded
It’s hard to see the good in life today. A miserable day never helps a broken heart heal, it only helps drive those unpleasant thoughts deeper and deeper. It is so easy putting on this fake smile and pretending like everything is okay because you know when you’re in the comfort of your own home you can fall to pieces. Today it rained all day and so I wanted to cry with it. I sat in the darkness of my house and watched a documentary. The blackfish, and yet it gave me no brighter thoughts of life, just confirmed my thought today. Where is the good in life? Is there good in life or does everything provide and evoke greater negativity within the world.
I’ve always tried to see the bright side of life but what’s bright about not having my little Huddy with me. What’s good about never being able to hold or kiss him again and what’s bright about living my life without him? What’s good about never being able to tell him how sorry I am or listening to him cry, giggle, say Mumma, or tell me he loves me. As I sit here writing, tears rolling down my checks, hitting my dress then running down my leg, I look up and I am all alone. Yet I know that so many mothers are in this same vote, I feel so isolated and alone, yet I also know Chris will walk through the front door any minute now and I will wipe my face, sniffle my nose and pretend that this moment never happened- because I know that for him to be okay, I need to be okay. Chris hates it when I’m not okay, in pain or hurt and although I know he is there for me and with me every step of the way I too try to protect him. I still get thoughts of guilt, as I got to live with Huddy more than Chris and I feel as though I took that away from Chris, as after all it is my job to protect him- but I failed- I did not succeed. We can never get that back, our little Huddy.
Date: 29th January 2015
Well, its been a few days since finding out what they think happened. I can’t bear the thought that I could have done something, to stop this. I got home after the hospital, Chris had to go to work, and I sobbed, I never thought I could cry so much in my life, my shoulders jumping, my chest up and down, as I make these horrible sounds trying to breathe. I’m sorry, I am so sorry Hudson, I never wanted this to happen, and I would never have done anything to hurt you, yet I did. I didn’t know, I promise, I never thought that we would lose you. I should have gone in sooner; we could have saved you and I failed. I let you down. You could be here with us today. I am so sorry, I love you so much, please forgive me and know that I love you and if I knew I would have, I would do anything to go back to that week and relive it. I am so sorry.
The news from the hospital, with no autopsy results in yet, but Hudson had no chromosomal defects or infections. I was anaemic but our umbilical cord was hyper-coiled, I’m not sure is she said hyper or hypo, but my gynaecologist’ spoke so quiet and slow. I asked twice and still didn’t get it, so I just didn’t ask again. She said there was nothing I could have done. There were also a few minor clots in the placenta but not sure if that was due to Hudson passing away in uterine 2 days prior to birth. My next pregnancy should be normal, we’ll put you on aspirin to be safe and induce at 37weeks.
I remember just wanted to get out of the room and google it because I couldn’t understand her anyway. Google doesn’t help, just makes you feel worse. Chris just keeps saying I don’t get it, we had a 3D scan at 32weeks, how can it just go from great to shit in 2 weeks. His heartbeat was strong, and everything was good- not that it was a medical examination. But I can’t help myself but think if I had gone in sooner that week, Hudson would be here with us. I should have known something was wrong but really who knows, I didn’t know what to expect and that everything was normal, everything had been so far, so why now with 6 weeks to go could anything go wrong.
I remember waking up Tuesday and Wednesday feeling different, like my belly stopped growing, it sounds weird because Huddy was still kicking and moving but by the Thursday/Friday it had slowed down. Everyone I spoke to continued to say ‘oh, you’ve dropped, he must be getting close,’ so that’s normal, isn’t it? Movement slows down when they move down into the cervix and my belly would feel different, I convinced myself without any thought against it. Thursday and Friday I had this real urge to get his room done, I started to have this gut feeling something was off, but I truly believed he would arrive early. Saturday, I started to really become uneasy, but again never thought we would loss him. I worked 4am-2pm, doing cash and I started to think he hadn’t really moved much today, but I wasn’t focused on that, I just had so much to fix before I left. I was so stressed about work. So I took a coke home and got no movement. I should have raced in then but thought oh maybe his sleeping pattern has changed. I had given it little thought, as I felt exhausted and so I went to sleep that night next to Chris as if everything was okay. Little did I know it would be our last night sleep before our world came crashing down.
I told myself on Tuesday, after telling Chris I was so sorry and the overwhelming feelings I had, but I feel like I could have saved him.” Chris is great, but he turned to me and said, “I never blamed you and never will blame you Tia, you did everything right, and you can’t keep going on blaming yourself.” It was then I said to myself I wasn’t going to blame myself anymore but it is so incredibly hard, so hard. I miss my baby boy so much and I was meant to grow him strong and healthy, and I didn’t protect him enough. I’m forever going to beat myself up, but I know deep down Huddy loves me. I hope one day I get to hug him, and I will never let him go again. I will forever owe my precious baby boy.
Date: 1st February 2015
Everyday I miss you baby boy and as I tell myself I’m okay I know I’m not. Life sucks so much sometimes. I know I probably need to speak with someone but I just want to be able to hold you, feel you, touch you. I’m not sleeping and I know it makes things worse and I haven’t exercised for a week and I know that’s probably why too but it sucks so bad. It’s like everything was just gone, ripped away. I can’t hold a conversation at the moment with Chris without getting shitty or angry. We’re parents now, well should have been, our lives should be different now and I’m not saying we can’t have fun but I just don’t want that lifestyle. I never really liked it, I just got in a rut when I dealt with Jason’s death that I needed to escape it. It was so out of character for me, but I enjoyed it. Torn with this ideal vision and feeling who I am inside, is hard. If it was hard before, boy it is even harder now, as everything I look at or think of there is confusion, disbelief.
No body sees me as a mother, from the outside nothing has changed, I’m still Tia but there is so much turmoil inside. How, who, what do I do? How can I move forward?
I just wanted so much for us to be a family and grow together. I love you so much baby boy. I wish I cuddled you more and held you closer. I will forever miss you and long for the time we meet again. Love you so so much.
Date: 7th February 2015
Quiet emotional lately and even though I’ve told myself I can’t blame myself anymore, I still beat myself up, even more than before. Sleep, since finding out some news about your death, has been horrible and very minimal and I know that will just help fuel more negativity and ‘meh’ feeling but the sucky thing is, is that I know I can’t belike this forever. Next week I start work and it’s just back to reality like you aren’t here anymore- because let's face it you aren’t and I know I can’t sit around and feel sorry for myself forever, I just don’t want to feel happy or smile because I’m meant to be at home with my precious little Huddy. I tell myself find strength, be strong. I could run away and just isolate myself but for what?
Its so funny how I feel like I need to protect others from feeling bad when they don’t have to live without him. But I am very observant, very aware of people and their emotions and actions. Sometimes you get treated like your not even there but others baby you, and then some treat you like you’re the same, and I’m not. I HATE every scenario. But the common factor in ever situation is ME. So all angels lead to ME. Oh I hope I can get through my first week of work.
Reading through these snippets of my diary, brings back so much emotion. It is hard for me to think that all the above was within 10 weeks of learning about Hudson’s death, giving birth to Hudson, planning a funeral and saying goodbye to my child, our baby. I think for me the crashing mentally took place, as life ‘went back to normal,’ when I started my new role and became really aware of all the secondary losses within my world. Those initial weeks were hard, so much darkness, confusion, exhaustion and I don’t understand how I tried to make things so positive from 5 days out. I know I have dealt with death throughout my journey to that moment, Pop at 6years old, Uncle John and Nanna at 17years old, Grandma at 18years old, my brother Jason at 19 years old, then a bereaved mother at 24years old. I knew and had weaved my way through many traumatic moments in my life to that point, that helped give me an incredible understanding for life and the challenges but Hudson, wow, was Hudson the unravelling of it all and the reawakening that lead me to me. The me that feels aligned, that truly understands who I am, and not who I aspire to be for someone or something else, but for me.
As I share these raw moments, I hope you are able to find comfort in that you are not alone, that if you feel like you failed, you didn’t, you need to truly believe that you are a good person that doesn’t deserve this pain. You didn’t do anything, and couldn’t have done anymore than you have done. Your baby, knows you love them, and felt so much love and warmth as they grew inside. Know, that no matter what, you don’t need to validate yourself to others and that despite peoples support or lack of support, may not mean they’d don’t love you, they just simply don’t know how or what to say. Instead of fueling more negativity, pause and look inside, to find what is triggering that thought or concept, be brave to question your mind, find the courage to speak the truth, whether that be the good, the bad or the ugly, and as you speak from truth, you are taking steps to further understand you, what truly matters and what drives you. We all know our passion, it just gets buried within the normal hustle and bustle of life. Allow your little miracle, to be the reason you find it, to uncover you and then be even more proud that as you look in the mirror each day, your baby lives with you, within your every step of the way.