Navigating your journey
The early journey through grief can be one filled with so many emotions you never knew existed. Despite all the love and support you may or may not have, you will feel alone, yet sadly too many families experience baby loss. Not just stillborn, miscarriage, TFMR (termination for medical reason) and early infant loss.
I felt so conflicted, why did no one ever tell me that my baby could die. You hear about the ‘safe zone’ being 12weeks, but there really is no safe zone, nor are we taught about placenta health. Torn between feeling like I should have understood the risks and wanting to stay naïve to the heartache because that then heightens fear and anxiety. Along my journey I have learnt so much about pregnancy, our bodies and I personally feel one massive area is forgotten, and that’s intuition, which is for another day!
There is no one size fits all model when it comes to grief, and I truly feel that’s why so many people feel isolated and alone. Not only are you, as the immediate family trying to navigate your journey, loved ones surrounding you, are also processing this grief-working out how they too can navigate this journey whilst supporting you on yours. As we turn to close family and friends to support us, or be empathetic, their world too, has been impacted. Looking back, especially with my brother’s death I see three sisters who tried to be ‘okay’ to ‘hold things together,’ ‘to push our feelings aside to be strong for mum’, instead of us all speaking our truth, being okay with not being okay. I speak this from my behalf and my sisters will have a different version of the story, highlighting right there that navigating grief and our journey can be such a ‘scribble.’
When we lost our Hudson, my sister had a 4-week-old, and my best friend was pregnant. Our vision of sisters and besties with babies in our arms, wasn’t quite the plan, unbeknown to us. During my pain, I never thought to stop and imagine the incredible guilt my sister was living with, or the discomfort my best friend felt as she still felt her little one wriggle and move inside. I thought because I was so open to giving miss Indie-Rose love and attention and would touch my best friends belly and share in her happiness as she grew and etched closer to her due date that, that was enough. Do I look back and think I was selfish, no, but my point is, that we may feel isolated and alone and like no one understands, when everyone is impacted. No, it doesn’t make it right for those ‘not so thoughtful’ comments like ‘you’re young you can try again,’ or ‘at least you got to spend 34weeks with him'.’ But I feel, personally, if everyone was comfortable with the uncomfortable, to speak their truth and be open and mindful, maybe, just maybe, we can have more open, honest, and authentic conversations that will further enhance our healing.
Grief is hard, it is messy, filled with days where you believe the cloud will never be lifted and the sun will never shine again. It takes time, and I personally believe you need to turn inwards to understand what heals you. Grief is not something that can be navigated from others, despite the many days wishing & hoping someone or something would be like the knight in shining armour and give you exactly what you need. I wish, truly wish it was that easy, because to go deep within, to truly align yourself is hard, exhausting, and messy, but so worthwhile.
In the initial stages of my grief, I truly immersed myself in every thought, feeling and allowed it to navigate my day as I journaled, continued our baby book for Hudson- reflecting on our time and moments we got to share. This, again for me, was so beneficial. To laugh about that time, my beautiful friend was completely freaked out and shocked when Hudson kicked her hand so hard, as she touched my belly, followed by the tears because I no longer get to make memories that I can reflect on, moving forward. Each time I wrote, or added more photos I was able to release, and the next time another layer was lifted and the sun slowly, oh so slowly began to move those clouds. Colouring in was another beneficial component to my healing. To immerse myself in creating beauty before my eyes, allowed my mind for those moments to stop. Stop the questioning, stop the analysing each moment before the world changing words, the midwife so beautifully spoke. To, for those moments, forget that I was the most horrible mother/wife who failed to bring my husband his child, failed to grow a baby strong and healthy, all that we had wished for. To be able to find something that allows you to truly pause, breathe and empty your thoughts, has incredible benefit. Some meditate but before I found meditation, colouring in was the best steppingstone. To this day, forgiveness is something I struggle with, especially when that wave of grief hits me. I know I didn’t fail; I know despite being his mother and growing a miracle inside, Hudson had his own path, which had nothing to do with me failing. But even knowing, believing, and feeling it, I still question myself, what if I could have saved him like I did Parker?
Stepping outside of your comfort zone, to be vulnerable, is scary, it evokes fear and anxiety, but it also brings forth so much more. To truly speak your truth, to listen to yourself and know it because you truly feel it. Capture your Grief 2015 was the first moment for me, where I opened myself up to the world as I wrote from the prompts and posted on my Instagram page. Never could I have imagined how beneficial this was, so much so, I created a Photo Book of my 31 Days that lives on my bookshelf in my living room. Hudson will forever be a part of our story, and I am incredibly proud to call him my son, so why would I want to hide his face, his story from the world.
I am so truly sorry if you are reading this and too have experience such heartache and pain through baby loss. I hope that you can pause and breathe as you find the magic to heal from within. I have so thoughtfully designed this Keepsake Memory Journal to not just reflect, cherish and honour, but as a resource to finding the beauty within and prompting you to go inside, to work through the scribble, to find you.
As time has passed, I have really grown to appreciate that each one of us carries with us a unique story of struggle, heartache, pain, but joy, love, and laughter. We are all just trying to navigate our own journey, and no one story is greater than the other. Grief doesn’t just lie in baby loss, or loss of a person, and instead of comparing our lives; what we have or who we are, what we look like, if we stopped to truly connect to those around us, maybe we could spark greater love and connection that would help fuel and ignite further growth and healing. For each and everyone of us to find our truest version of ourselves and to love everyone, simply for trying and doing the best they know how, is the magical world in which I plan to live.