Dear Diary… (Part 1)

Looking back through my glittery journal, through the entries and the words I used, I can hear the shift. The moment when I stopped telling myself, or ‘trying to be positive’ and truly felt what I was saying. This moment for me took months/years even. There are things we can tell ourself, but then feeling it, is a different story. The next phase is belief, truly believing in those feelings and thoughts that you tell yourself. That feeling of freedom when it aligns, is something you have to experience to believe, the heaviness is gone and their light, their legacy as bright as ever.

Here are snippets from my glittery journal, which a beautiful friend bought to me at the Hospital, before I had given birth to our Hudson. Writing, is always something I loved to do, but it was hard to start, hard because as much as I knew it would be beneficial something held me back. I wanted to punish myself for losing our Hudson, I couldn’t release that, I couldn’t feel better about it, or I didn’t want to. So Kristen, thank you for adding the touch of sparkle in my life, a time in my life I needed it so much. Thank you xx

Date: 7th December 2014

I am so sorry Hudson; I cannot stop thinking that I did something wrong or should have gone in sooner. I keep retracing the last week, our last week with you inside and when you were okay. Please know I would never do anything to hurt you. My greatest wish was for you to grow healthy and strong. You were my everything and we were going to be the best parents. We dreamt of a long and happy life together. I can’t stop thinking about you, every minute of every day, I hope you are here with me. My journey so far has taught me that there are some really tough moments, full of heartache and pain and I have had to find the strength to love, to find the strength and courage within, to be the best version of myself- not to judge others for they too have a journey. There is no need to hold onto anger, or to let other opinions or attitudes get in the way of what you believe but to always listen and understand the struggles. Everybody has struggles and they may show strength from different pain or heartache and that is what makes us so unique as humans. Be unique, be courageous and be you. I know that in this moment I am weak and vulnerable, but I am still in so much shock- where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Hudson, I am so sorry, it’s been eating me up inside, please know that it was so hard for me to sign those papers to do an autopsy. I want to know how I could have prevented this. Such a selfish move and I am so sorry but if we could find something then it meant we could grow as a family, or maybe it could help other families that endure this heartache and pain. I am so sorry for putting my views on your life when you had no say- so again Huddy I am sorry- I have cried many times about this but I hope one day we can live strong together and you understand why I did it. I will never stop loving you. You are my perfect baby boy, and you will forever be cherished in my life.

Date 15th December 2014

I wish I could make sense of what has happened- it is hard for me to believe everything happens for a reason because it just doesn’t feel right. What is the reason behind you not being here? It is selfish of me to say how can you be taken away from us, why? What have Chris and I ever done so wrong? Why? And I know it’s not right for me to think that. I have always had a belief or grown up with the perspective that everything in life has meaning and a reason and that there is a lesson in everything. In this moment I feel stripped of raising you, our beautiful baby boy, all the moments we would have shared. The many tears, love, joy, and laughter, gone. But as I sit here, some part of me, is conflicted, as I tell myself, I must choose to look at this differently. Hudson, I know you are not here with us, you are now forever protected from the heartache and pain of life, and you only felt so much love in your lifetime. Saying that still just doesn’t make it any easier, as I try to find some light within so much darkness. Trying to tell myself a different version of the story to break free from such much pain and sorrow. Hudson, reflecting on our time together, I am so blessed to have carried you. You have brought Chris and I so much closer. You gave me so much more meaning to my, our life. You refocused me to where it is I want to be and who I want to be. You allowed me to share a love that I never thought was possible. You helped me be comfortable alone and love me for who I am. You made me realise further the importance of family and because of you I can further improve and connect in a deeper way with my family, my sisters.

Date 17th December 2014

Hudson I wouldn’t have done anything to hurt you and I am still so sorry- I should have gone earlier, I should have gone to the hospital earlier. I am sorry. Stubborn Tia never thinking anything would be wrong and that you would be okay, and I failed you. I am sorry, please know that I just loved you so much. I was so fascinated and so excited every time you moved inside me. I never wanted to miss a moment. I feel so lost at the moment. I know I worked too much, I didn’t slow down, and I just feel like I took Chris’s dreams of you, our family, away from him. He loved you so much, he was so excited and over the moon and because I didn’t see someone sooner, I ruined his chance to be the best dad to you. I can’t help but think I failed you, I was meant to keep you safe, I was meant to grow you healthy and strong, and I failed you. It was so incredible to hold you. When you were placed on my chest it was so beautiful and I will forever cherish that. I remember wishing I had a mirror to see you when daddy did, but it was so beautiful holding you skin to skin. In the room full of silence, this beautiful moment being created, and in that same moment full of emptiness. I felt empty. Looking over at dad and he still had this proud look on his face. I remember being in theatre and just lying there with empty thoughts, but I just wanted to get back to your bedside. I pulled the bassinet close; no words can describe how much you mean to me. I know amongst thousands of tears that you know I loved you. I know that you know daddy also loves you and I hope you will forever be by my side. I hope that one day I can hold you again, I hope that you never forget how much both of us love you. You will forever be secretly my little peanut, because even when you became our little Huddy, I would still call you our little peanut. My beautiful boy Hudson, I love you.

                                                                                                              Date: 24th December 2014

Well, it’s Christmas day tomorrow and I thought I was okay- turns out it’s a little sucky! What I would do to have you here with me. I just want to go out and buy you a little Christmas outfit, spoil you rotten, kiss you non-stop and just hold you so close. It’s so confusing because I try remain positive- I am so grateful that this year happened but it’s so shit and unfair because you’re not here with us. I imagined our first Christmas even though you wouldn’t understand or have any idea what was going on, I just imagined so much love and cuddles, kisses, you wake up to Santa been and its’ just not the same without you. Even if you were kept safe inside me, we would have celebrated it. I know you would have been dancing like crazy inside me, we would have put a big red bow around my beautiful growing belly. You were the best surprise I’ve ever had, and you will forever be the most precious gift in my life. You are my shining star; my world and I love you to the end of the moon and back. Please be safe. I hope Grandma and Jason are there with you, and I know you will be spoilt by them. I feel selfish to say I hope you’re with me in spirit forever, but I hope we continue to make many more memories. I love you my beautiful baby boy.

Date: 15th January 2015

It’s a week to go now until we finally have some answers, if any at all and everyday doesn’t get any better but I force myself to get out, try being stronger, braver and attempt to see the brighter things in life. I sobbed myself to sleep last night trying to hide my jumping body from your dad because although I know he is there for me and there to support me 100% I know today wasn’t a good day for him. Crappy day at work then has to come home to a now PMSing, grieving wife. But he held me tight and whispered in my ear, ‘harden up.’ I know that doesn’t sound heartfelt whatsoever but throughout our years together I’ve always told him to push me to that next level. After losing Grandma and my brother Jason, I saw some dark days and Chris by my side supporting me, we always joked that I just needed to harden up. So last night, I held him closer, and the tears rolled down as I slowly grinned. I did just need to harden up and be stronger, but I miss you so much. I miss the crazy movements you made as I laid down at night.  It was probably a big hooray- mummy finally relaxed, but I loved every minute. I don’t really enjoy bedtime because lately I’ve had a few good night’s sleep-why when I should be up feeding or waking up throughout the night, if not to cries but just to make sure you are okay. I always slept on my stomach, as much as I knew it was bad for me before you came along, but from the day I knew I was pregnant I tried sleeping on my back. I remember the first night sleep where I slept on my stomach- it felt so great but remember waking up so upset, here I was back to sleeping on my stomach without you. There were two things I said I couldn’t wait for when I was pregnant and that was to run and jump on my belly and go for a run. Having done both of those things now, there is nothing more in this world I want more than you to be here with me, now, tomorrow, and forever. I could look back at our photos of you every second of everyday. You are my everything Hudson and I love you so much.

Date: 19th January 2014

I sent an email today to my course coordinator as I saw that there is current research at UQ for the Stillbirth Foundation. They are researching, ‘Information and Communication about Autopsy following Stillbirth, Meeting the Needs of Parents.’

I will never forget minutes after signing the agreement to an autopsy. The doctor and midwife left, and, in an instant, I just broke down sobbing. How could I agree on such invasive procedure for my beautiful baby boy? I questioned myself for imposing my beliefs onto our little boy who didn’t have a say on his life. Do I agree for them to use his body for research, not only just to help us find some answers, but I have also now accepted or agreed to cut open my baby boy? I said sorry to Hudson repeatedly. I am sorry but I hope you can forgive me for further inflicting you with pain but what if we can help others, what if we could help us as a family grow.

To this day I am sorry, but I do hope that you can understand that I needed to further understand this. How can this not only happen to me but the 4 parents each day that have stillbirths. What are we doing so wrong? When is this going to stop? What if we could stop others from this heartache? Even the smallest step in the right direction would help-right? Where is the awareness? I know they talk about recording baby’s movements, but you have this belief that everything will be fine always. But then I am torn, this experience of pregnancy needs to be a positive experience, we talk about prevention for cancer or other illnesses, where is the prevention for stillbirths? Where is the early awareness? Where is the comfort in knowing we are closer to understanding the causes or even reducing the numbers of stillbirths? But the reality is, its still a taboo topic, as a mother, I feel like I have failed- all I ever wanted was to grow a strong healthy baby and I failed, my body failed, and I will never get that back. I took away the excitement of parenthood and I feel guilty that I had so much more of Huddy than his dad ever will.

I question was it the hours I was working? Was it the stress I put myself through? Was it the Elevit vitamins I forgot to take on a frequent basis? Was it the McFlurry I ate that one time, when I knew I shouldn’t have or the bath I had once a month? Was it the fast food I would eat, working at McDonalds- because after all it had to be something I did, right?

Continues in Part 2…