Dear Diary… (Part 2)
Date: date not recorded
Chris came home really shitty today- the past few days to be honest, but tonight I couldn’t deal with him being moppy and niggling at me because I haven’t been back to work yet. So, we had silence for up to an hour when he came and sat on the couch. I tried to bite my lip, but I’ve never been good at holding in what I want to say. I gave it out to him nicely, “You can’t come home all moppy and shitty- if work is stressing you out then quit, take more time off- we will make it work, and I can go back to work. I had been hoping for the meeting on the 27th to help ease my mind and sends me in the right direction. As tears well up in his eyes and he fights back letting the tears roll, he looks up to Huddy’s picture on the TV unit. At that moment, I felt so much relief, I am so pleased he feels comfortable in letting me see this because even though I know we are in this together at times you feel so alone. ‘It isn’t easy Chris, but I know we love him and will continue to love him forever and ever.’
Throughout the days I try to focus on positive things, but I always feel lost, trying to analyse why this has happened to us in our life and I know that I feel so lost. Yes, I’m trying to slowly get out and about, but I don’t know what to do about work, and I never really thought that Chris would be lost too. I know he is without his little boy as well, and yes, he had a different relationship with Huddy, but he too is lost. We have lost our little boy and our hopes and dreams of being a family. We are lucky to have each other, which most definitely can frustrate one another at times, but I always know he is there no matter what and vice versa.
We miss our little Huddy so much; we will forever carry you in our hearts.
Date: date not recorded
Why can’t life be simple, even just knowing what I’m meant to do for work or who I am meant to be? Not only am I trying to process the fact that I am without my baby, I am so confused now, about who I am. Where do I want to go in life and am so scared and fearful about making the right choice, because what if that fails too? I want to have my babies and be the best mum I can be but where is me in all of that? I use to think I was driven to achieve and be a high achiever. I wish I could be someone who influences others and helps and motivates people, but I love business and analysing the strengths and weaknesses of business operations and structure. But who am I? Where am I? I am organised, or am I? I like structure- or do I? What are my beliefs, now that I don’t even know? Where is Tia? Who am I? My brain just doesn’t stop. What am I and how do I get back there?
Date: date not recorded
It’s hard to see the good in life today. A miserable day never helps a broken heart heal, it only helps drive those unpleasant thoughts deeper and deeper. It is so easy putting on this fake smile and pretending like everything is okay because you know when you’re in the comfort of your own home you can fall to pieces. Today it rained all day and so I wanted to cry with it. I sat in the darkness of my house and watched a documentary. The blackfish, and yet it gave me no brighter thoughts of life, just confirmed my thought today. Where is the good in life? Is there good in life or does everything provide and evoke greater negativity within the world?
I’ve always tried to see the bright side of life but what’s bright about not having my little Huddy with me? What’s good about being unable to hold or kiss him again and what’s bright about living without him? What’s good about never being able to tell him how sorry I am or listening to him cry, giggle, say Mumma, or tell me he loves me? As I sit here writing, tears rolling down my cheeks, hitting my dress then running down my leg, I look up and I am all alone. Yet I know that so many mothers are in this same vote, I feel so isolated and alone, yet I also know Chris will walk through the front door any minute now and I will wipe my face, sniffle my nose and pretend that this moment never happened- because I know that for him to be okay, I need to be okay. Chris hates it when I’m not okay, in pain or hurt and although I know he is there for me and with me every step of the way I too try to protect him. I still get thoughts of guilt, as I got to live with Huddy more than Chris and I feel as though I took that away from Chris, as after all, it is my job to protect him- but I failed- I did not succeed. We can never get that back, our little Huddy.
Date: 29th January 2015
Well, it’s been a few days since finding out what they think happened. I can’t bear the thought that I could have done something, to stop this. I got home after the hospital, Chris had to go to work, and I sobbed, I never thought I could cry so much in my life, my shoulders jumping, my chest up and down, as I make these horrible sounds trying to breathe. I’m sorry, I am so sorry Hudson, I never wanted this to happen, and I would never have done anything to hurt you, yet I did. I didn’t know, I promise, I never thought that we would lose you. I should have gone in sooner; we could have saved you and I failed. I let you down. You could be here with us today. I am so sorry, I love you so much, please forgive me and know that I love you and if I knew I would have, I would do anything to go back to that week and relive it. I am so sorry.
The news from the hospital, with no autopsy results in yet, but Hudson had no chromosomal defects or infections. I was anaemic but our umbilical cord was hyper-coiled, I’m not sure if she said hyper or hypo, but my gynaecologist’ spoke so quietly and slowly. I asked twice and still didn’t get it, so I just didn’t ask again. She said there was nothing I could have done. There were also a few minor clots in the placenta but not sure if that was due to Hudson passing away inuterio 2 days before birth. My next pregnancy should be normal, we’ll be put on aspirin to be safe and induced at 37 weeks.
I remember just wanting to get out of the room and google it because I couldn’t understand her anyway. Google doesn’t help, just makes you feel worse. Chris just keeps saying I don’t get it, we had a 3D scan at 32 weeks, how can it just go from great to shit in 2 weeks. His heartbeat was strong, and everything was good- not that it was a medical examination. But I can’t help myself but think if I had gone in sooner that week, Hudson would be here with us. I should have known something was wrong but really who knows, I didn’t know what to expect and that everything was normal, everything had been so far, so why now with 6 weeks to go could anything go wrong?
I remember waking up the Tuesday and Wednesday, before we lost him that week, feeling different like my belly stopped growing, it sounds weird because Huddy was still kicking and moving but by Thursday/Friday it had slowed down. Everyone I spoke to continued to say ‘Oh, you’ve dropped, he must be getting close,’ so that’s normal, isn’t it? Movement slows down when they move down into the cervix and my belly would feel different, I convinced myself without any thought against it. Thursday and Friday I had this real urge to get his room done, I started to have this gut feeling something was off, but I truly believed he would arrive early. Saturday, I started to become uneasy, but again never thought we would lose him. I worked 4 am-2 pm, doing cash and I started to think he hadn’t moved much today, but I wasn’t focused on that, I just had so much to fix before I left. I was so stressed about work. So I took a Coke home and got no movement. I should have raced in then but thought oh maybe his sleeping pattern has changed. I had given it little thought, as I felt exhausted and so I went to sleep that night next to Chris as if everything was okay. Little did I know it would be our last night’s sleep before our world came crashing down.
I told myself on Tuesday, after telling Chris I was so sorry and the overwhelming feelings I had, but I feel like I could have saved him.” Chris is great, but he turned to me and said, “I never blamed you and never will blame you, Tia, you did everything right, and you can’t keep going on blaming yourself.” It was then I said to myself I wasn’t going to blame myself anymore but it is so incredibly hard, so hard. I miss my baby boy so much and I was meant to grow him strong and healthy, and I didn’t protect him enough. I’m forever going to beat myself up, but I know deep down Huddy loves me. I hope one day I get to hug him, and I will never let him go again. I will forever owe my precious baby boy.
Date: 1st February 2015
Every day I miss you baby boy and as I tell myself I’m okay I know I’m not. Life sucks so much sometimes. I know I probably need to speak with someone but I just want to be able to hold you, feel you, touch you. I’m not sleeping and I know it makes things worse, I haven’t exercised for a week, and I know that’s probably why too but it sucks so bad. It’s like everything was just gone, ripped away. I can’t hold a conversation at the moment with Chris without getting shitty or angry. We’re parents now, well should have been, our lives should be different now and I’m not saying we can’t have fun but I just don’t want that lifestyle. I never really liked it, I got myself in a rut when I dealt with Jason’s death, and I needed to escape it. It was so out of character for me, but I enjoyed it. Torn with this ideal vision and feeling who I am inside, is hard. If it was hard before, boy it is even harder now, as everything I look at or think of there is confusion, disbelief.
Nobody sees me as a mother, from the outside nothing has changed, I’m still Tia but there is so much turmoil inside. How, who, what do I do? How can I move forward?
I just wanted so much for us to be a family and grow together. I love you so much, baby boy. I wish I cuddled you more and held you closer. I will forever miss you and long for the time we meet again. Love you so so much.
Date: 7th February 2015
Quiet emotional lately and even though I’ve told myself I can’t blame myself anymore, I still beat myself up, even more than before. Sleep, since finding out some news about your death, has been horrible and very minimal and I know that will just help fuel more negativity and ‘meh’ feeling but the sucky thing is, is that I know I can’t be like this forever. Next week I start work and it’s just back to reality like you aren’t here anymore- because let's face it you aren’t and I know I can’t sit around and feel sorry for myself forever, I just don’t want to feel happy or smile because I’m meant to be at home with my precious little Huddy. I tell myself to find strength and be strong. I could run away and just isolate myself but for what?
It’s so funny how I feel like I need to protect others from feeling bad when they don’t have to live without him. But I am very observant, very aware of people and their emotions and actions. Sometimes you get treated like you’re not even there, but others baby you, and then some treat you like you’re the same, and I’m not. I HATE every scenario. But the common factor in every situation is ME. So, all angels lead to ME. Oh, I hope I can get through my first week of work.
~
Reading through these snippets of my diary brings back so much emotion. It is hard for me to think that the above was within 10 weeks of living without Hudson. Becoming a bereaved mother, giving birth to Hudson, planning a funeral and saying goodbye to my child, our baby. I think for me the crashing mentally took place, as life ‘went back to normal,’ when I started my new role and became aware of all the secondary losses within my world. Those initial weeks were hard, with so much darkness, confusion, and exhaustion and I don’t understand how I tried to make things so positive from 5 days out. I know I have dealt with death throughout my journey to that moment, Pop at 6 years old, Uncle John and Nanna at 17 years old, Grandma at 18 years old, my brother Jason at 19 years old, and then a bereaved mother at 24 years old. I knew and had weaved my way through many traumatic moments in my life to that point, that helped give me an incredible understanding of life and the challenges but Hudson, wow, was Hudson the unravelling of it all and the reawakening that lead me to me. The me that feels aligned, that truly understands who I am, and not who I aspire to be for someone or something else, but for me.
As I share these raw moments, I hope you are able to find comfort in that you are not alone, and that if you feel like you failed, you didn’t, you need to truly believe that you are a good person that doesn’t deserve this pain. You didn’t do anything and couldn’t have done any more than you have done. Your baby/s knows you love them, and felt so much love and warmth as they grew inside. Know, that no matter what, you don’t need to validate yourself to others and that despite people’s support or lack of support, may not mean they don’t love you, they just simply don’t know how or what to say. Instead of fueling more negativity, pause and look inside, to find what is triggering that thought or concept, be brave to question your mind, find the courage to speak the truth, whether that be the good, the bad or the ugly, and as you speak from truth, you are taking steps to further understand you, what truly matters and what drives you. We all know our passion, it just gets buried within the normal hustle and bustle of life. Allow your little miracle, to be the reason you find it, to uncover you and then be even more proud that as you look in the mirror each day, your baby lives with you, within your every step of the way.