Grief Healing
I remember my first real smile, & not just any real smile, the kind of smile that you can feel from within your heart as it fills with love, joy & happiness. And within seconds I had destroyed that moment. How could I be smiling? My baby had died 8 weeks ago & I didn't like what I felt or uncovered. That my life would still go on, with or without his physical presence. It’s a harsh reality and one I wanted to reject so badly!
It was as though I needed to punish myself for his death. Because if I wasn't sad or if I wasn't grieving then his life never happened? How do you possibly move forward when all your hopes & dreams are not just crushed but shattered into pieces?
It wasn't long before I noticed in my journal writing, a difference- one where I would tell myself to look at the positives & find some blessing within the horrid truth, that I truly felt the light come through me. Whether I was forcing myself to see gratitude or truly feeling gratitude, I truthfully noticed a difference in my mind, my body & my spirit. Maybe this crazy- you can heal your life through positivity and affirmations, was actually true?
Nothing will ever take the pain or heartache away, nothing will ever make the situation right, and nothing will ever bring my baby boy back. It was such a huge shift in not just my mind, but my body & spirit that turned those words upside down. I became incredibly blessed & honoured- I was & am to this day, so grateful that Hudson chose me. To have felt him move & wriggle inside me, to have shared in our beautiful engagement, wedding, honeymoon & more. To truly live this life in honour of my beautiful boy, & for each & every day to be inspired by his precious existence, as his memory lives on within me, his siblings, our family & our world.
I never understood the incredible power that a small shift in mindset could have on my entire life. I still long for his touch, the what-if moments randomly hit me, & the wave still at times pulls me under like never before, but each time I get back up a new layer of healing is uncovered. The hardest step in all of it are those initial ones, where I was left trying to piece together how to move forward.
If you are on a similar journey, don't set time expectations or give high energy to being the critic, but do pause, close your eyes & breathe, as you whisper the words I love you. You will navigate your way through this crazy/ wild journey, & to do so start by loving yourself first. It is scary, so hard and I personally remember the feeling of being so torn. Stepping into a world of unknowns isn’t easy, and boy will there be unknowns you can’t even think of, but as you process and move through this grief journey, the most important part is to love yourself. Loving yourself doesn’t have to come from a place of vanity, but to love yourself, is the start of acceptance, the beginning of owning this story- your story that will forever be a part of you. And the truth is, you will want it to be a part of your story. So as you move through each new moment or thought, start by saying I love you first, before proceeding, and then identify what you truly want from that particular moment or the journey as a whole.
To love something unconditionally is hard, even as a Mum to three beautiful little people today, I say I love them unconditionally, I do, they are my world and forever will be, but at times when we let our minds wander and attach to different memories or programs, we love them as long as they listen, as long as they do what I have asked of them, as long as they don’t backchat. And this is exactly the same for us. That dress that no longer fits, or the lines that start to appear on the face. We are forever pushing the boundaries of love, so before you commence any healing, start with a beautiful deep breath as you whisper, say the words out loud or silently in your head, ‘I LOVE YOU!’
You got this beautiful Mumma! Make time for the things that matter most to you!
If you are in need of a loss Mumma to talk to, or to join me for life coaching, where we can dive deep inside to reconnect, realign and regain the power of your mind-body-spirit, book a discovery call here.
So much love you too,
Tia xx